r/relationship_advice 6h ago

I caught my wife(F34) not being honest with me(M34) about something and now for the first time in our relationship and I don't think I trust her.


We have been married for two years but together for 9.

Basically not long ago my wife got a new job after leaving her old one and going back to do a masters in something else. I was obviously happy for her and supported her through all this but recently I was on her Linkedin looking at a post she made and saw that one of the comments on it was from an ex friend of mine. I haven't seen or heard anything about him for years but I looked at his profile and he works at the company my wife now works at.

I asked her about it and she pretty much played it off saying yeah she thinks he does work there but that didn't make sense as they're connected on Linkedin and he's leaving comments on her posts so she must know he's there. This led to her coming clean that she had met him at a wedding of one of her friends back in December(I couldn't go). They remembered each other and got talking and she obviously mentioned her looking for a new job and then in January he connected with on Linkedin and said he could help her get a job where he worked. She never told me because she knew I would be mad that she was in contact with him.

The guy was an old friend of mine from college and then he cheated on his girlfriend who was in our mutual friend group with another girl from our friend group who was also in a relationship with another one of our friends so it was all a big mess and completely destroyed the group. This happened not long after I met my wife so they didn't know each other well but she definitely saw and knew the impact of what he had done.

Now she would be right in thinking that I wouldn't exactly be happy that she's in contact with him but I would also not try and get in the way of a job opportunity for her either and I would have thought she would know me well enough by now to know that. Her explanation also doesn't really fit as she said she met him at the wedding in December and then he contacted her about the job in January. Why didn't she tell me she'd met him the day after the wedding when she came home? I can't get these intrusive thoughts out my head about if she kept this from me what else is she capable of hiding. Like about three weeks ago she went on a work night out and I went to sleep at about 1am and the next morning I woke up and she wasn't in bed. I came out and she was asleep completely naked on the couch. At the time I thought it was kinda funny but know knowing this I think its weird. She's never done that before. She said when she told me that they have a strictly work related relationship but like I said in the title, I'm struggling to trust her.

This post is already longer than I intended so Il finish. Apart from not telling me about the ex friend, am I being crazy feeling this way? I have a terrible feeling in my gut and I don't know what to do? I'm on the verge of looking at her phone. Any advice would be helpful thanks.

TLDR: My wife kept from me that she met an ex friend of mine, has been in contact ever since and now works with him.

r/relationship_advice 8h ago

My (36F) bf (34M) of almost 2y is going no contact on me because he is convinced he is allergic to me, and I feel so many emotions and just need to vent a little.


Long story short, (if you want to read the long version, look back through my comment history, I dont want to waste time typing it all again) for the last year and a half, my bf started breaking out in painful uncomfortable hives on his face, a few months after dating him. He was a guy that crossed almost all my "wants" in a partner off my list. We clicked, he was sexy, had his ducks in a row, good job, driven, nest egg, many side hustles to keep busy, was a family focused guy, hot accent, accepted me for me, loved to provide, awesome sex, texted me good morning and goodnight daily etc...my dream guy. Even when we had a little hiccup earlier in the relationship he gave me a second chance, and i wasnt going to blow it!

That was around the time he developed the allergy. Over the last year, when he was convinced it was something coming from me that was causing him to break out (his hives would last for a few weeks) we broke up many many times because he "couldnt keep putting himself through this" anymore. So I would eliminate the thing that i thought it was, and we would start talking again, and we would give it another go....over and over again. I changed my laundry soap, changed my brand of cigarettes, eliminated all hair product and makeup completely (very very hard doing this because im a hairstylist and really did myself up nice everyday) stopped using any perfume, no candles, even went to using a nonfloride toothpaste! Each time he would break out, his feeling would totally turn from so caring( and sometimes too attentive), loving boyfriend- to blaming me for causing this to happen to him, wouldnt want to be around me, he even started to accuse me of cheating on him (i think this just made him feel less guilty for breaking up with me or the prednisone he had to get on to calm the reaction down).

After countless allergy tests and thousand spent with specialists, we still have no answers to what is causing this. He hasnt been found to be allergic to ANYTHING...even with patch testing. I believe he also suffers from OCD, which has only made him more and more obsessed with his face and the appearance. I honestly think we have eliminated the allergen. because the last few "reactions" he has had didnt follow the same pattern and would only stay for a few days before calming down. I believe these reactions are actully due to his OCD and the stress he creates in himself just by being around me. That it is actually psychosomatic at this point, and keeps putting ointmnents on his face that impedes the healing.

So day before yesterday, he starts telling me that he is feeling a tingling on his face, though no reddness was present. I try to calm him down and assure him that it didnt look like a reaction like he has had previously and just to stop looking in the mirror so much. Well yesterday, he texts me blaming me for another reaction and that he cant do it any more and he has reached the end of his rope. He treats me as if i did something intentionally to him, tells me to F off and then ghosts me. Blocks me on social media and doesnt respond to the few texts i have sent him (im not going all crazy gf on him with lots of texts either). I feel like our relationship was going so well lately, creating much needed closeness again...then he turns on me like this. I feel like i wasted so much time and so much love on someone who just is throwing a good relationship away. He is treating me like i did him so wrong, and i have only done the opposite. I have sacrificed so much to make sure his reaction didnt return....I still dont wear makeup or hair product! The other times we have broken up, he would ask me why didnt i just move on? how could i move on, when he has everything i want in a guy! Its so hard to be treated as if i did something to wrong him, which he throughly belives ive been doing this on purpose to him or that I am the allergen, and when he gets rid of me, he will finally be rid of his allergen.

I feel this is different than the other times because of how he is ghosting me. I dont want to move on, or even know how to. I know this is emotional abuse, and know i didnt cause any of this, and yes, ive been in therapy for over a year now...but today, I dont know how to get through the day.....I have to go to work and put on a smile all day (no one likes coming to a depressed hairstylist)....just knowing i will be another day without hearing from him. I dont know what im asking for here....just had to get it all out and how the universe can be so cruel sometimes.

TLDR: Boyfriend “mr. Perfect” of almost 2 years thinks he is allergic to me. Break up #77(exaggerated)and counting. At a loss on how to move on after he is ghosting me and blaming me for causing so much pain in his life.

Edit: do you really think I have kept count at how many times we broke up? That number was just one I threw out there cuz it has been quite a few times. And anyone saying that’s it’s from me causing the stress In the relationship, have the time line all wrong. These hives started in September of 2021, the hiccup happened in December 2021…wasn’t figured out til Feb of 2022 that it had something to do with me or my place. Do you really think he would endure so many allergic reactions, for over a year now, if it had anything to do with stress from that? And that he was just wanting to leave me this whole time? The reason we got back together so many times is because we really wanted to be together and tried so hard to figure out what was causing this. He could have ghosted me early on if that was the case! Many of y’all are adding more drama into this situation than it really is. I do go to therapy, and know what unhealthy relationship traits I have, and am trying to keep it together right now…I know there is no “mr perfect” and definitely see the emotional abuse that took place with him and I. Even though I know all this, it doesn’t make this any easier today.

r/relationship_advice 10h ago

Guy I'm talking to (22m) tried to convince me (19f) to take birth control


So for some backstory I used to be on birth control but I found out more about the side effects, links to depression and overall I hated the fact I had to inconvenience myself every day just so a guy could get more pleasure out of sex and not use protection, which would also make me at risk of STDs. So I stopped taking it, this was a huge step in me loving myself more and self respect because no longer was I putting my needs below someone else and it was a step in empowering my own body and taking control over myself again and not altering my hormones for a guys approval.

So I stopped taking them and it's a very strict boundary I have up that I've told this guy about before but I guess he forgot. We were talking tonight and he starts asking me why I'm not on birth control, I tell him my reasons and his argument is that condoms are more expensive, I told him if my vagina isn't worth £1 or less then you can go find someone else. He then continues to argue that birth control is free, convenient, I tell him about the side effects and he's like nah they're not that bad. So now I feel very upset that he's continuing to try to convince me and that I need to even justify my choice about my own body to him.

I told him sex is about more than pleasure and he asks me what it's about then which tells me that in his mind it is about just pleasure, which is fair to him but I thought it was about a lot more than that, overall I feel like he's shown he doesn't respect me at all and I'm considering cutting communication with him despite him not understanding where he crossed the line.

EDIT: I just blocked him, it was extremely hard for me having been in an abusive relationship before I'm so quick to accept the blame and assume I'm overreacting but I knew I had to do this to prove to myself that I've healed and that I'm mature enough to end something that is toxic for me regardless of the pain, it's gonna be rough because losing people had always been tough for me, but thank you to everyone for telling me your opinions and affirming that I'm not as crazy as I think I am.

r/relationship_advice 6h ago

My (27f) husband (33m) says I'm not doing my job as a wife right and I need to quit my hobbies/career goals (part 2???)


A lot of people in the last post assumed that the time we spent together had changed since I was able to make such drastic changes.

Nothing about our at home schedules have changed. I go to the gym before he even wakes up most mornings and am back home cooking breakfast before he gets out of the shower. If I don't have time to go in the morning, I go during my lunch break since I work remotely.

People asked regarding me buying the house and getting a new car if this bothered him: Yes and no. Obviously owning a home cost us more than renting but we split bills 70/30 and I pay the majority. I made sure his monthly costs would stay the same amount since his pay at work has not changed in 2+ years and likely will not change soon.

There was also questions about the other changes I had left out or changes to my appearance, yes, I lost 80-90 lbs and went from dying my hair purple/pink/blue/blonde and went back to my natural redhead/ginger. I didn't exactly ask his approval but any chance I made he knew was happening before it happened.

After I told him he was coming off as bitter and insecure, he started acting all offended and upset. I started playing one of the old youtube series we bonded over while dating and we tried to kill the tense vibes with some casual conversation and snacking.

I opened up the floor for a conversation and we had a heart to heart, but I'm left feeling even more confused and irritated than before.

He said that while he likes the changes, and he is more attracted to me than ever, other people in his life have been comparing my "success" (I would hardly call it that) to his lifestyle. His friends have called me his "sugar mama" and were the ones that put the idea in his head that I would only start putting this much effort into my looks all of a sudden for another man.

I told him his friends were either jealous or sexist, but neither of them are good enough reasons to internalize their words and then cause us REAL problems by their fake mindsets. He decided to start defending his friends.

Then he said don't act like your friends are so much better than mine, because the one I'm closest to is a stay at home wife and has never worked a salary job a day in her life since she got married really young. I asked what that was supposed to mean, and he said she was just another woman who only has something to offer by cooking, cleaning, and sex.

This is where I might have gone too far. I egged him on. I asked him about all the negative things he thought about those kind of women in an agreeable tone and he went into a bit of a rant about how wives like that have no use, bring in no money, just stress out their husbands and annoy their kids, etc.

Then I asked him what he thinks those wives think of him. Compared to their husbands. And what they would have to say about what he comes home and does after work, which is absolutely nothing. And told him to stop judging people who took a different walk of life if he doesn't want anyone to judge him for his.

I reminded him that I do 95% of the cooking and most of the cleaning and he still fucks up our laundry every time he washes it and has to be reminded to take out the trash while I still pay majority of the bills and pay for all dates/vacations too. So judging them when you're living an even "easier" lifestyle and have no children to watch after and can't even do laundry right.

We went back and forth and things got heated and he told me that I always hated myself, thats why I had to change everyone about myself to be happy. I told him don't be mad at me for wanting to fix what I hated about myself instead of just hating everyone else and being an asshole to the people who care about me.

He said inside I'm still the same fat girl no matter what I do. I told him that I know that and hope it stays that way forever because it showed me whats real and whats not. He said I'm no where near the same person he married, and I said I guess not. And told him he was silly for expecting me to stay the same 24 year old forever and that never giving me room to grow is like putting me in a box.

He said he loves me and isnt trying to do that but that I'm biting off more from life than I can chew and causing unnecessary problems by being selfish. I asked what about my decisions or changes were selfish, what inconveniences him, etc. He could not give me one straight answer. I asked if he wanted to split up (could not use the word divorce. felt to heavy during the convo.) and he said no immediately but that he also doesn't feel happy feeling like he can't measure up to me.

Another part where I may of messed up, I gave a deep big ass sigh and started telling me to stop comparing his self to me because we're two different people sharing OUR lives not living one life and he needed to get some self esteem and stop worrying about the opinions of other men who aren't doing any better in life.

Also, the "friend" that said most of this shit to him is in the middle of a nasty divorce after getting caught cheating on his wife and her airing it out on social media and him losing his rank in the military and facing possible discharge so yeah of course he wants to sabotage someone else's relationship.

Our conversation didn't do anything besides let me know that all of you were right, he's resentful that I bettered myself and is lashing out at me. He promised that the cheating accusations would stop, but he still feels like I am going out of my way to upset the balance in our lives and making things difficult. But when I asked him if I should go ahead and order some McDonalds and start gaining the weight back (a joke lol) he immediately was like "noooo you're so hot thats okay but the other stuff..." aka career and hobbies. Aka anything that doesnt do something for his dick.

I was so disgusted after that I went to workout and then told him I need some time to think and organize my thoughts alone. He needs to worry about breakfast lunch and dinner on his own for the next few days so I can have time to think. He seemed pretty surprised and thought I was being extra.

I wanted to give an update, but also wanted to know if someone out there in the interverse knows of some resources where I can help myself work through this. Of course, we discussed couples therapy but the price is ehhhh and would require some rebudgeting to make it work longterm.

r/relationship_advice 20h ago

My wife(33f) punched me(34m) in the face infront of the kids


I34m have been with my wife33f for 8 years. We have 2 kids together ages 6 and 5. My wife has gotten physical with me a few times. It’s not an occasional thing, but she has punched me or slapped me. I’ve never hit her back, I have shoved her when she was hitting me. This doesn’t occur often, but has happened.

The other day we were arguing about something and it got pretty heated, I left the room to calm down and walked into the living room and she followed me in. I raised my voice at her and she punched me in the side of my head. My two children were sitting on the couch a few feet away during this experience. My youngest doesn’t seem to really acknowledge what happened, but my oldest later that night gave the side of my head a kiss and asked me why mommy hurt me, and wanted to play doctor to fix it up, even though there’s no physical mark.

I love my wife, but infront of my children is my final straw. I brought this up to my wife and told her I was highly considering divorce, and she began balling and promising it wouldn’t happen again and even offered for us to go to marriage counseling. My oldest is stuck to my hip, and keeping their distance from my wife. My wife would never hurt our children, but I hate to see my child fearful. I grew up in a violent household and wanted better for my children. I’m not sure if I should believe my wife and agree to marriage counseling. I love her so much, but I can’t keep living like this. Advice?

r/relationship_advice 4h ago

My(26F) boyfriend(46M) makes weird comments and openly says that he believes he can do better than me (specifically looks wise). Is he doing this because he's insecure? He's ruining my self esteem.


So, pretty much as the title suggests. My partner has made a few comments over the past few months. We've been together just short of 3 years. He's a bit insecure about his age and always lies to people saying that he's 10 years younger than he is. He's a good looking guy, and he does get regular attention but don't we all?! When I get attention he says "you must have been doing something to welcome them to say that" or he says that they would say the same to all girls as so to make me feel like they're not directly interested in me, just interested in all girls. I'm not really bothered about the attention I receive, I could do without it if I'm honest. But my issue is with the way he tries to use it to make me feel shit that I don't like.

He's a taxi driver and that is where he receives a lot of advances and girls wanting his number etc. They're mostly drunk and can only see him from the aide/back so it's a bit like...wtf? It never bothered me until recently where he seems to be trying to make me feel jealous. It really gets to his head and makes him feel superior.

The other day I suggested that we go out for cocktails as my birthday is coming up, the very first thing he said was "but what will you do when girls come up to me". I snapped this time and told him to stop thinking so highly of himself. I asked him something to the effect of "do you really think that you're so special, that random girls would approach you while you're clearly with your partner." because I'm sorry but the odds of that happening to any couple that are out in public are SLIM. He replied saying "they might not think we're together" I asked what he meant by that and he said "well, I could do a lot better". He didn't even laugh, just straight up said it. I'm sorry... What?!?!

This has all happened as I said in the last couple of months, prior to this he expressed concerns of HIM not feeling good enough for me and I always gave him reassurance, time after time. It was tiring but I still pushed on and did my best to make him feel better. He is balding a bit and he never takes his hat off, he is also putting on a bit of weight, this he makes constant comments about but then will also tell me "your stomach isn't as flat as it was when we first met, hmmm...ok?. I can't help but feel that he's taking his insecurities out on me.

My friend suggested a midlife crisis but I don't know, it seems a bit like a direct attack on my self esteem and some days, it works. Neither of us would be regarded ugly but we're not absolutely stunning, to me it doesn't matter. I'm all about personality but his is making him ugly to me now. I do have love for him and he should be content with that but I'm starting to feel insecure. I feel like I'm at risk of being cheated on also with the behaviours he's exhibiting.

Not sure what to do anymore.

r/relationship_advice 22h ago

I[30M] told her[26F] therapy or we're done


I[30M] was single from age 26 till a few months ago. While I was single, I mainly focused on work and sex. I had just 1 person I saw regularly just for sex. We both understood what we were doing. Then, when I met my now girlfriend[26F], I broke it off with the other girl and just stuck with my girlfriend because I don't cheat.

However, my girlfriend asked if I was sleeping with anyone before her, I said yes and told her I ended it the day we started flirting. She got so pissed and started yelling at me for pre cheating? I've never heard that term, just cheating, which occurs while being in a relationship. I told her we barely started talking, and I even cut it off when I started flirting with her because I couldn't talk to multiple girls at the same time. It's not who I am, never has been. She was yelling, crying, telling me to go back to that S***t. I told her not she was acting nuts.

This event occurred at my apartment, I went to my office to relax and started a bit of work. I hear my doorbell, I go downstairs, and it's the girl I used to hook up with. She looks confused, I'm confused. My effing girlfriend texted her from my phone to come over. I asked her why she would do that? Her response was, "I knew she would come over, see you're a cheater." I'm completely mindblown. I told her she needs to attend therapy for whatever issues she has or past trauma that is causing these issues now. She told me I was a cheating POS. The other girl is at the restaurant down the street and told me that if I needed someone to talk to, she would be there.

I'm thinking about going because I don't know what else to do.

Feel free to message me about advice and stuff. The comments don't show.

UPDATE: I BROKE UP WITH CRAZY. she came over point blank and told me she didn't text the ex fwb. I flat out told her to get the f out of my place. Crazy text me 5 hours later from another number saying, "If I give you a blowjob, can I come back. I'll be the best you ever had. You can do whatever you want." I BLOCKED THE NUMBER.

UPDATE 2: I'm getting phone calls, voice-mails from random numbers, my sister is getting calls, Crazy told her we're on a break and that I'm not answering her calls. My sister is pissed.

r/relationship_advice 9h ago

(24m)(23F)Boyfriend says im not his type too many times


I met this guy months ago and the day i met him i learned he had a type. He never told me what his type was but did mention he liked heavier women. We have gotten into several fights and sometimes he mentions that im not even his type. A few days ago we weren't fighting but I felt like he liked this girl at his job because he's always making sexual jokes about her to me. He has said things like he wants to just put the tip in her, wants to include her in our bedroom, says hes already slept with her ,and if they both really did sleep together he wouldn't tell me and neither would her. They are jokes to him but I don't find them funny but annoying.

I really told him that he liked her and the reason why they aren't together is because she don't want him. He get's really angry when I mention that he likes her and thinks i need to see a therapist. But im not saying he likes her cause its a male or female friendship but I say it because he makes sexual jokes about her non stop. I understand if he did it once but he's done it more than six times. So after I told him about how i thought he liked her and she rejected him he goes on to tell me she's not even his type and would never sleep with her. Then goes on to tell me I'm not his type and I barely had a chance with him. I don't know whether to take what he does as red flags or if im being a bit too much?

r/relationship_advice 6h ago

My Wife (20F) is Draining All (22M) My Money



So long story short, my wife relies on me for income and it’s draining me mentally and my wallet. We decided to uproot from arizona and move to Pennsylvania only because her sister was there. Then it didn’t work out so we moved to California. In total I’ve spent 17k moving us and paying BOTH our bills. I was able to find a full time job immediately. She on has 4 dollars to her name and is only working sat and Sun. It makes me really upset because she’s hasn’t contributed at all in 5 month. I now have only 400 in the bank and still have a lot of bills to pay. It’s gotten to the point where I’m unhappy in the relationship. She doesn’t do anything all day. She sleeps in till 3 everyday. Doesn’t even leave the house. Thoughts?

r/relationship_advice 1d ago Gold

UPDATE TO LAST NIGHT'S POST: Not sure what happened. We had a dinner date at 7 pm. I (25f) showed up at 7:08. He (26m) wouldn't come out, texted that he does so much for me, but he feels I never reciprocate (because I was six minutes late), and he refuses to talk to me.


I realize that my original post lacked context. I apologize. Last night was such a blur. I posted, went to bed, and woke up at 3 am to a call calling me back into surgery. I didn't have the chance to read your comments until now. Here's the context:

I am a surgical resident at level 1 trauma center. At this level of training, my life belongs to my Residency, Attendings and Patients. I work long hrs, have 24-36+ shifts, I'm on call all the time. I've missed out on important events in the lives of my family and friends (graduations, weddings, baby showers, Holidays). Unfortunately, I've lost some friends over this, but there is literally nothing I can do about it. I love my job - it is the most exhilarating & fulfilling profession in the entire world - and I cannot see myself doing anything else with my life.

Yes, he is not my priority. We can plan, but when a call comes in, I get up and go and sometimes don't return until many, many hrs later. Yes, I am often late because my work hrs are not rigid, when trauma rolls in, I can't just say sorry, my bf is waiting for me, so I gotta go. But he knew what he's getting himself into. In fact, I didn't want to date him two years ago (even though I really liked him) because I knew how difficult this would be for him, but he assured me he understands and that we will make it work. Two years on, I definitely think he didn't understand - because how can he? He works a lot, but he doesn't work more than 12 hrs a day, works from home and is always off Friday-Sunday. I never wanted to feel like I owe him anything, so I still take care of all the life stuff myself. If I really need help, I ask my brother & sister-in-law for help (they're also doctors, so they get it) or one of my co-residents (we're like family at this point) and they're always there for me. So I'm not entirely sure what he means by doing so much for me - like what?

I was EIGHT MINUTES late last night. I apologize for the confusion - I was so tired, I don't even remember writing my original post. What happened is I was home early Sat and asked if he wants to grab dinner. He was already hanging out with his friends and asked if we can do it another day. I told him sure, but I won't be able to do it until next week because this week will be insanely busy. But he was very persistent, I felt bad, and gave in. We planned to meet Monday 7 pm despite my 24 hr shift. But nothing was set in stone, we didn't make any reservations, didn't discuss anything minus let's meet Monday at 7 pm. Well Monday was brutal. We had trauma after trauma, including a 4 yr old boy after a crash whom we couldn't save. I was exhausted. I asked if he could drive, he didn't feel like it, so I drove over to his house. I was 8 minutes late - why? Because I was sitting in my car at the hospital parking lot crying my eyes out for over an hr because a child who should be alive was now dead, because we couldn't save him, because I couldn't save him. He knew about it because I texted him, but despite everything he still wanted to go out and eat. I was too tired to argue, so I drove over, and you know the rest.

I understand you don't know his side of the story. I understand that I'm not the best gf at this point and that he feels neglected and overlooked, but I cannot give more. This is it. He either accepts it or we end it because I don't have the time and energy for such stupid little insignificant drama.

He did not text or call me since last night. Even though I apologized. I don't know if that means we're over or what.

r/relationship_advice 5h ago

My boyfriend (27M) needs all of my (24F) attention 24/7


This has been an ongoing thing. My long distance boyfriend has really severe separation anxiety. He wants to be in a call with me almost 24/7 with the exception of maybe showering. We’ve had talks about it, but it really hasn’t gotten much better. Anytime I need alone time, he assumes I’m upset with him, or thinks he doesn’t make me happy enough despite my reassurance.

Because of him always needing to be with me, I’m left with almost no time to myself. I rarely have time for hobbies, and my online friends barely see me, which they’ve started to comment on. The only time I get online to see them is if my boyfriend is with me.

Recently I got back in contact with my dad who I haven’t spoken to for a year and a half, and I now have plans to visit him and the rest of my family on the other side of the country. I told my boyfriend I’d be gone for a week and a half, and that we couldn’t call like we usually do, since I’ll likely be quite busy with my family, but told him I’d message him whenever I could. He panicked, and started to sound sad.

I asked him what was wrong, and he told me he was worried he’d get less time with me in general now that I’m talking to my dad, which really makes no sense to me. I assured him that me having a relationship with my dad again isn’t going to impact the amount of time we spend together.

He’s honestly the sweetest guy I’ve ever dated. Treats me like his princess, but I’m starting to see signs that this relationship maybe isn’t healthy…

What do you guys think?

r/relationship_advice 20h ago

My (24M) girlfriend (F23) blindsided me and I'm kind of screwed now.


I don't really know what to do here and I could use some help.

My (M24) girlfriend (F23) and I have been together for a while now. We go to separate universities but they're only about 30 mins from each other. Between the last winter and spring semesters her living arrangements fell apart and we had talked about living together so that is what we did. She moved in with me and began commuting to her university which she hasn't had an issue with.

A few months ago we were talking about future living arrangements and she had mentioned she was wanting to live with her friends for one last year before 'officially' moving in together. Which I was fine with since I had friends who I was happy to live with.

After a couple weeks of talking about it we decided that she was in fact going to live with me so we started looking at places together and found a place we loved. We worked things out with the landlord and eventually he sent over the lease to sign.

I signed the lease and sent in the security deposit and we were all settled. However yesterday I found out she had signed a lease with her friends and when I asked her about it she said that she was waiting for the right time to tell me. But she said that she had changed her mind and just didn't want to disappoint me.

This kind of screws me over because now I am legally on the hook for our entire rent and I won't be able to afford it. I have car payments as well as other normal monthly expenses to pay as well and based off my full time job I can't afford to cover everything.

I have told her that I would have made different decisions (like sign a lease with my friends before it was too late) had she told me this was the route she was leaning towards and would have been fine with it. But I am not okay with this because now I am financially screwed. I have made a lot of big decisions besed off our plan to live together and I can't come to terms that she has done this to me.

I really just need advice as to how to talk to her about this because every time we have I can't think of the right things to say because all that I can feel is anger towards her. I don't want this to negativly effect our relationship but at the same time I am worried that if our plans truly fall through I am going to resent her.

(Please ignore the legal implications of the situation. I do realize this but that is not the part of the issue I am looking for advice on)

r/relationship_advice 3h ago

I 21F an wondering if it’s normal for your bf 21M to always be hurting you?


Let me explain a bit, we have been together for 3 months but have known each other for a few years. we love each other and have a good relationship i’m just very sensitive.

he’s really strong (like most men) and it’s the small things like, slapping my ass where it leaves a mark for a couple days. or grabbing my arms where he leaves marks. Or during intimate times, he pulled my hair so hard it left a huge egg on my head for over a week.

He’s just very rough. But, every man i’ve been with has always hurt me and been too rough even when i tell him to be soft with me. It’s a daily thing where i have to take a minute and hold back tears because he hit me too hard or slapped me in the face too hard (lovingly)

I’ve talked to him about it but he isn’t changing, so maybe it’s just me being too delicate? I’m really not sure. I’m curious if other women feel this way too, or maybe i’m over exaggerating

I just can’t stop thinking about if all men are like this or just the ones i’ve been with.

r/relationship_advice 2h ago

I don't love the ring my [32F] bf [32M] proposed with and the guilt is killing me. Help!


The headline sounds bad, and I'm sorry this is long, but I hope you'll see where I'm coming from. First of all, I am not someone who tends to dwell on things that can't be changed and I don't want to change anything, but I still can't shake the lingering disappointment. The love of my life recently proposed in a really wonderful, thoughtful way and I'm so beyond excited to be married. I had told him I didn't need or expect all that and would be happy to skip all the pomp and go to the courthouse and get plain old bands, but it was important to him to do something super romantic and he definitely succeeded. He's wildly supportive and loving and he would be so sad to learn that he may have caused me anguish with his choice.

Some important context: I am a geologist and hobbyist gem cutter. I met my best friends 15 years ago when we all worked at a unique jewelry store and one is now a jeweler and the other is a retailer selling cool minerals. Needless to say, I am *extremely* into this sort of thing and it is absolutely what people know me for. When my boyfriend told me to send him ring info, I gave him a bunch of super in-depth info with my favorite jewelers, examples of my favorite designs, favorite cuts, and favorite gems (explaining my preference for colored stones but advising diamond is okay too if the cut is interesting) along with their localities, examples of ring designs I liked from under $500 and up (even though he makes very good money, the cost was not what mattered to me, I just wanted something interesting/unique that represented my love for obscure minerals), and told him to surprise me. He spent several months researching before buying a ring and then several more months planning the proposal.

On to the issue: I do like the all-diamond ring he picked because it is from him, it's by my favorite designer, and it reminds me of the effort he went through to organize a super romantic proposal. It is pretty. However, it does not look like an engagement ring and because it's from my favorite jeweler I know it's sold as an engagement ring/wedding band and has a total carat weight of a quarter of a carat with a "center stone" that is .05 of a carat; it is basically entirely composed of the accent stones you'd see in other engagement rings. I know that it was one of the cheapest rings they offer, which is not itself an issue except that it resembles a ring someone might buy if they absolutely *had* to have diamonds but had no budget for diamonds.

I can't help but feel disappointed that he got his stone-loving girl a ring with hardly any stones in it, when for less than he spent he could have absolutely gotten a showpiece Australian sapphire. When announcing the engagement it has been jarring to hear people ask me, "omg, I can't wait to see the ring, I know it's going to be amazing!" and then when I show them have to watch them try to hide their surprise. I know that's a temporary thing and five years from now no one will even notice it, but I intend on wearing this every day for the rest of my life and was really looking forward to something that felt "Me." I feel a bit un-seen although I can see the logic in how he made the choice he did. I don't want to get rid of it or tell him how I feel about it, but I can't shake the disappointment every time I see it. He's made comments about having had other rings he seriously considered which makes me think either he may regret his choice or maybe I'm not hiding my feelings as well as I thought. I don't know what to do. I don't know what could possibly be gained from telling him how I feel because I wouldn't want to change it at this point and I think it could only hurt his feelings, but the weight of pretending to love it when I don't and the immense guilt of carrying that feeling is weighing on me and I feel like I need to come clean.

Tldr: BF proposed to me, his mineralogy-obsessed gf, with a ring that hardly has any stones at all in it, and I've been trying to shove the disappointment aside but it has only grown and I don't know if I should say something or just stay the course and hope that it doesn't turn into resentment down the line. Help :(

r/relationship_advice 3h ago

Boyfriend (30M, 26F) posted videos of us having sex without my permission. Having trouble moving on.


I found out about a year ago that my boyfriend posted a pornographic video of us on his Reddit. I confronted him, he apologized and seemed extremely remorseful. I moved on. Out of curiosity I googled his old Reddit name and found a different account with MULTIPLE videos on there. Although they’re deleted on Reddit they are still out in the internet under nsfw websites. These videos were uploaded before I confronted him but coming to the realization that he posted these videos multiple times completely without my permission is breaking my heart. I’m not sure how to proceed. I am deeply in love with him and our lives are so connected at this point. He’s transparent about proposing to me soon.

Here’s my dilemma, I want to confront him about this but in doing so I will admit to creeping heavily into his posting history. These videos were posted before I “ confronted” him however I was unaware he was posting multiple videos…… it just seems so much worse now.

I guess I’m just looking for some advice. Thanks guys

r/relationship_advice 7h ago

how long should I (30F) wait for my BF (32M) to be ready to have kids? We've been together for two years


I have felt a strong desire to have children since I was 26 (which, coincidentally was when my mom got pregnant and she said she had that same feeling around that age). Problem is, I was living abroad (still is) and single and hence not in a position to have children. What followed was a very difficult couple of years fighting loneliness and bouts of depression. But I managed to find a path to be content while single and made a pact with myself that if I hadn't met anyone at 32, I would have children by myself.

Two years ago, things changed when I met my current boyfriend. We had a very intense period of falling in love and then went through some very tough months of health issues and long distance where we really had to prioritize each other for the relationship to work, and we did. Early in the relationship, I was very clear about my desire to have children. He said he hasn't pictured himself having children before but with me he felt different.

10 months ago we moved in together and got a dog and we are looking to buy a house together. We also spend most of our time together. At this point, I feel very ready to try to get pregnant but he doesn't. He says it's a feeling that he is very confident will come for him, but that we haven't been together very long and that I need to have faith. I've tried to have him narrow down what it is in our relationship that isn't ready, and what it would take for him to get ready, but he can't or won't say. I think part of this is some fear because his own childhood was rough, and that his sister got married spontaneously to a guy and their marriage has been in shambles since. But I know in my heart he'll be an excellent dad (he loves our dog to pieces and he's so caring for other children in his family) , and I don't think trying to get pregnant after two years of dating and one year of living together, when we are in our thirties, and have our lives together otherwise, is spontaneous or reckless.

Another point he raised that he doesn't want to have kids with me while my current immigration status is temporary. I mentioned to him that if we get married, I could get a permanent residency, but he doesn't want to marry me for this reason. Instead, he wants me to obtain residency through work, which is a much longer and uncertain path, and that could take years. I've made it clear that I don't want to wait years to have children, and he's said he agrees that for example 5 years is too long. I should say my home country is a very nice place, and I would likely have moved back there had I not met my boyfriend, so it's not like I am trying to marry him to get the residency. But I do think he has an insecurity that I only want him for his sperm (lol) and/or for his residency. At least this is a sense I've gotten, but he hasn't explicitly said so, however I do think that's part of the reason he doesn't feel ready.

So right now I strongly feel like he is holding me hostage. Telling me he wants to have kids at some point, but doesn't want to commit to a timeline. At least when I was single, I could decide more or less when to get pregnant, and now I just feel like everything is happening according when it suits him and that I have no control over planning my own future, and it's a super frustrating feeling of waiting around. I get really worried that I'm being strung along, and that I'm wasting my time. I've brought this up with him, and he mostly just says "have faith". I love him and would strongly prefer to raise my kids with him rather than solo, but I've also been ready for children for almost 5 years now, and I don't want to wait that much longer. So how long should I wait for him to get ready? What's a fair timeline? Is there anything I can do/say that will help him articulate/realize what's holding him back?

TLDR: I've felt ready to have children for years, but my boyfriend won't commit to a timeline for when he wants to have kids. How long should I wait for him?

r/relationship_advice 8h ago

My (27F) boyfriend (26M) & onfyfans


Edit: We talked and he was very understanding. They were mass messages sent out by creators. He showed me on his phone and all seems to be in order. I’m grateful that he was so chill about it and it definitely upped my trust in him. Thanks all!

My boyfriend told me on his own earlier in our relationship that he used to pay for content on OF before we got together. Totally cool single behavior. I asked him if he still does and he said no. Yesterday he was on his phone right next to me, opened his email, and I saw an email from OF with “new messages” in the subject line. He closed the app quickly and that was all I was able to read.

I don’t have an OF account so I don’t know how their automated emails work. My question is - in what circumstances would my BF be receiving messages on OF? Is it something to confront him about?

Caveat- I don’t care if he watches free porn, I think it’s normal and it doesn’t bother me. But spending money to view another girls content or messaging with OF creators is not cool with me.

r/relationship_advice 1h ago

I (M39) want to send priceless item back to ex (F39)


I’m not sure if this belongs here, but here goes!

About 10 years ago, I (M39) had a brief, long-distance thing with a girl (F39). We never met, purely online. We drifted apart, but during our thing, she decided to send me a necklace that her grandfather bought her when she was a little girl and was priceless to her. For some inane reason, I never returned it to her (yes, I was a dick).

I’ve held onto this all this time and want to return it to her. Problem is, I no longer have her number. Can’t find her on social media and the only point of contact I have is the address she lived in at the time. Mind you, a lot can happen in 10 years so there’s a good chance she doesn’t live there anymore.

What should I do? Send it to that address with a note? I really don’t want to just throw this away. If the roles were reversed, I’d really love for something as precious as that to be returned to me. I just don’t know if it would reach her and would end up with whoever is living there now, a stranger in all probability.

Appreciate your thoughts

r/relationship_advice 15h ago

My fiance (31M) expects me (29F) to take on the role as cleaner because I work from home


My fiance and I just moved in together a month ago. We've been together for more than 4 years, and have had a very happy relationship. Before this he lived alone and I lived with my parents (to save money after going through a tough patch). Back then I basically lived at his place, I slept there for about 5 days a week, so we didn't think moving in together would be that big of a change.

But his behaviour has changed quite a bit since. I work from home, he goes in to the office every day; we both work full-time. Because I'm home, I'm happy to do things like laundry and a bit of light cleaning, when I get the time. But he seems to have this expectation that I need to take on the role of cleaner in our home because of this, despite the fact that we pay for a cleaner once a week.

If the house isn't completely clean when he gets home from work, he gets annoyed. If he needs to make dinner because I'm still working, he gets annoyed. If I don't plan something for dinner, he gets annoyed. Basically, any type of household work that he picks up instead of me, seems to annoy him.

He's even started telling me to make him food/snacks. At first, I thought he was joking, but if I laugh at him and tell him to do it himself.... he gets annoyed.

He also gets angry at me for making any kind of mess. Basically, if anything in the house isn't 100% neat and clean, he scolds me. He even opened up my closet to show our friends how "messy" I am in comparison to him when they came to visit, literally the day after we had moved in.

I feel like he expects me to turn into his mom. In his parents' household, his mom is the only one who does housework, and his dad does yard-work/house maintenance stuff. I don't think that would be fair in our situation, as we rent, and we don't have a yard, so most of the work is just to do with cleaning.

We've had a huge fight about it, but he doesn't take my complaints seriously because, as he says, a clean house is always better than a messy one, and I just need to try harder.

I'm quite alarmed at his behaviour, and I think his thinking is kind of old-school sexist. This seems to have come out of nowhere. I honestly see him very differently now, as he never used to be like this.

Any advice is appreciated.

r/relationship_advice 18h ago

I (33 M) just can’t bring myself to end a 14 year relationship with my girlfriend (33F) that needs to end


Hey all.

Sorry for the depressing title. I know some of you will ask, so just to clarify, we both agree that marriage doesn’t mean anything to us which is why we’re not married.

But yeah. We’ve been together for 14 years. I truly have so much love for her. We met at 18 and we’ve grown up together. We’ve been through the highest highs and the lowest lows.

She feels right to me in so many ways. We live in a little apartment together with our little cat family. She feels right, I love holding her at night, we have great sexual chemistry. She’s a phenomenal massager and she’s generous with getting me. She’s in great shape and is gorgeous. I put up tons of pictures of our life on the walls and they fill me with so much pride. Our relationship is the greatest accomplishment of my life.

But…she is an absolutely broken person and I just don’t know if there’s a sustainable way forward. She came from dysfunction and abuse. Her mom is absolutely insane and fills her head with crazy delusional bullshit about me. Recently, I’ve admittedly looked through her texts and have seen them talking badly about me.

She doesn’t have a single friend in the world. I’m the only person she connects with. Anytime she has a social encounter, she walks away ranting about the negatives. She doesn’t feel comfortable having a social encounter without a bunch of alcohol. Numerous friends have reached out to me about their concerns about her alcohol habits.

She works 5-10 hours per week for DoorDash. In her free time, she does absolutely nothing but sit around and watch YouTube. She has no career plans, isn’t working toward anything and is deeply depressed.

I have a masters degree, have spent my adult life working toward a career I dreamed of and got a job that pays amazingly in a field I love doing work that fulfills me. I probably pay for 95%+ of our expenses.

I’ve tried everything to get her help. I’ve continuously tried to get her to go to the doctor to get a therapy referral and she won’t go (or if she does, she wont follow through with setting up appointments). I’m always bringing her around friends and trying to encourage her to be social. She’s a great singer and I’ve tried sooo many times to encourage her to do something, be it making videos, singing with bands, singing for herself.

I’ve tried everything I know how to do and nothing has worked.

I know it’s time to end our relationship. We’ve been together for SO long (my entire adult life) and it’s hard to let go. But I know it has to happen. I just can’t bring myself to do it and it breaks my heart.

So…I just keep moving on, living life, staying in this relationship. Wishing for more and feeling like I’m wasting the best years of our lives.

Both of us are us are so unhappy.

r/relationship_advice 8h ago

I (22F) am beginning to regret apologizing to my guy friend (22M)


Months ago, I became friends with a guy at my university and we used to hang out sometimes. One day, he asked to hang out, but I explained I had too much work to do that day. He kept pushing me, then started asking to call instead, saying it'd be fine with him if I did my work while he talked. I kept saying I couldn't, but he was welcome to text me about it and I could respond later. I also apologized if I'd been distant and explained that my major's course load is very intense and I am graduating this year. He kept insisting on a phone call because he didn't like texting, then said "I'm not trying to steal away your future I promise," which felt like a guilt trip to me.

I told him I was feeling pressured and that's when he blew up at me and started sending paragraphs about how he "couldn't agree with me", because he "doesn't pressure people", but apologized if he was "being annoying," and he thought I was being distant. I just said I was sorry, but I didn't need to be arguing with anyone over why I can't hang out or call, and that I thought it was best if we didn't hang out again. He responded "Sorry for wanting to talk when you couldn't and I'll respect your choice anyways, it was awfully nice talking to u for a bit and good luck with everything, you're gonna do awesome for sure." Then we stopped speaking.

Some of my friends thought I was justified in ending the friendship, some thought I overreacted. Over the next few months I started to regret being so harsh and decided to finally apologize. We reopened a friendship but then took things a step too far and started to fool around (stupid, I know). We decided to be friends with benefits, but after hooking up once I realized I didn't want to again. He asked to hang out again, but I explained that I again had too much work to do this week but maybe the following week if I can. I also took the opportunity to ask if we could take things a step back and just hang out without anything sexual. He blew up at me again, saying "look I know you didn't text me after months and say all that stuff because you wanted to be friends with me", "I see you going with the busy excuse", "I thought you were different enough to be honest this time". I responded the best I could to explain that I was being honest, I just truly didn't have time this week, and that I didn't need any of the guilt tripping. He started apologizing and saying it made sense that I was upset at him, that he believes me now, and said "If you meant what you said and valued friendship enough to text me, which I believe you, then let me better explain myself tomorrow" and went to bed.

He hasn't said anything yet. Honestly, I'm already getting fed up again. I don't understand why he thinks every time I can't hang out, that I actually don't want to be friends anymore. I don't want to have to argue with him every time he gets insecure and thinks I'm pulling away. I've never had a problem like this with any of my other friends, they always have understood that I'm really busy and don't take it personally. I see them when I can, just like they see me when they can. I'm going to feel like a huge asshole if I end the friendship again, though. What do I do?

TL;DR: I ended a friendship with a guy I thought was being too clingy and pressuring me to hang out. I ended up thinking I reacted too harshly so I apologized a few months later. We reopened friendship and ended up friends with benefits briefly, but I decided I didn't want to hookup again. He got pissed. Now it feels like he's doing the same clingy/pressure thing all over again. What do I do?

r/relationship_advice 14h ago

My boyfriend [35 M] flipped off an old couple who "cut him off" while driving. Its affecting my attraction to him. [30 f]


I know it probably sounds like relatively small incident, but I felt disgusted and lost a lot of respect for him in that moment.

He was very smug and satisfied with himself and felt like justice was served. I just stared at him from the passenger seat. I just can't get that image out of my head.

Am I trippin? Is this not a big deal?

  • Edited for more context: He also tailgated them until he could speed up next to them, roll down the window and deliver the finger

r/relationship_advice 2h ago

BF (22M) came back but I (20F) feel it may be too little too late.


Boyfriend and I broke up early March. He just came over with a box of my stuff and told me it was over. For like, two weeks I was desperately trying to work things out as he actively cycled through bipolar episodes. He wanted me over every day, told me he loved me, and yet at the same time was telling me he never felt he had a crush on me, felt something was missing, and was genuinely obsessed with some random person from his classes he barely knew.

I tried so hard to make sure he was okay as he actively self harmed and talked about suicide. I dragged myself through his fire to make sure he was okay as I was internally collapsing from the pain of him leaving me for someone he barely knew, telling me he loved me and then telling me he didn’t think we could ever work, and then begging for me to come over and have sex with him and cuddle him and tell him I loved him.

I got a better job for almost 4$ more an hour. I got accepted as an undergrad for a graduate level internship because of my potential. I made plans with mutual friends who were and are completely on my side. I maintained my grades and continued to do well at my current job. I felt more confident and better without him, and after talking to friends he’s had for years, recognized he is a user and someone who prioritizes himself over others, especially me. He’s abandoned me at least twice when I needed him most and yet I’ve never left his side.

Now he’s realizing he wants me in his life. He deleted his dating apps (That he downloaded days after we officially separated for the second time), is going to therapy, is trying to find couple’s therapy for us, is taking me out on dates, is engaging with me, is telling me I’m his everything. But it feels like too little too late sometimes.

I don’t know if I love him. I stood by him through his crush on this rando, through his self harm and suicide, through his mania and depressive episodes, through him telling me my 110% still left something missing. I gave up so much and tried so hard for those two weeks and part of me is done. I feel like he had so many opportunities to realize his mistake and come back when I was still welcoming him and he didn’t, and I feel almost apathetic at this point. I’m still going through the motions and saying I love him but I don’t trust him any more. I don’t feel a future is a possibility any more.

r/relationship_advice 27m ago

My girlfriend (25f) slept with someone else in the same time frame as me (23m) and now she's pregnant


We have found out that my girlfriend who I've been sexualy active with for about 5 months is pregnant. We had separated for about a week and she slept with someone else. We found out she was pregnant and went and got an ultrasound and found out she's 2 months along. They slept together 3 times and me and her probably slept together 50ish times. She was ovulating on the 15th and we split up on the 18th. What are the odds it's mine? I'm really hoping it is. Thanks for the help!